Standing, Contemplating… I am Lost

Spring break!

It is funny because I wanted to be on spring break and have time to read, write, watch movies and basically live on entertainment. This is my first day with no scheduled meetings, classes and all that normally bombards my life and I have no idea about what to do with myself.

I watched a movie called “Midnight in Paris” that was nice, but then I did not feel like watching something else. I don’t want to stare at a screen for another hour and a half just distracting myself.

I want to do something. I want to create, think…

The problem with my writing is that I don’t feel myself a writer. I  love the idea of being a writer but actually sitting down and writing terrifies me. I have thoughts that I would like to develop but I don’t. I just keep inside. I also wonder, should I write all this babbling in my written journal instead of this blog?

I don’t know.

I am struggling with the purpose of having this blog and the desire to have something not only well written but can bring something to people.

I don’t quite understand what my blog is about or the purpose of my writing this. I have had the blog for sometime now and I haven’t done much with it.

babbling

babbling

babbling

 

 

“The first draft is written with your heart and the second one with your head.”

What is in my heart?

I don’t really know what I want… And I don’t know how to figure out what I want…

I guess real writers are not those that are witty and eloquent but the ones that write in spite of the bumps on the road.

How can I connect with myself and speak my heart out?

I am too afriad to see my heart, let alone write about what I hold inside…

 

Is there a limit for how many posts a day I make? HOW DO BLOGS WORK?

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Writing is Creating

I hate those moments when I really want to write but I have no idea what to write about. One of the problems is that I am a little tired of writing about my life. Writing has all of a sudden become this catharsis that in stead of making me feel better in times, it only does the opposite. I want a break not dwelling in everything that is happening around me.

I have decided that I will not dwell in all the intense negative emotions or feelings that used to consume me before. All that drama that I wanted to talk about but I wasn’t really talking about because I did not dare to talk about it. It was exhausting.

So, I want to do something different. Although from time to time I will be writing about my days and about things that puzzle my mind, I want writing to be a nice escape. Writing can be that safe heaven in which everything is possible. The place in which I can go to just get away and write and have fun and enjoy creating.

I’ve never written stories. Everything I always write is simply a journal of days and thoughts I had from time to time. I have been contemplating the idea about writing little stories. I have been thinking that maybe I can let my mind loose and dare to imagine again.

I remember that when I was little it was so easy to pretend being anything. It was easy to play with myself and talk to myself for hours, having complete dialogues in my head and scenarios that I imagined I was a part of. Maybe it is time to imagine again. Time to get in my head and the world around me. Write about the black street I was walking by tonight. Talk about the random encounters with people I had throughout the day with different people and the different characters that are a part of my life.

I will probably not have great insights and great significant realizations which are good and I like to have, but not always happen. It may  be as simple as a mundane moment like having chick-fil-A with George who walked in hungry after having a great conversation with a really pretty girl at the brewery next door. Maybe I can try imagining what that conversation could have been.

The point is that I like writing. I like words and I like the idea of improving my writing so,  I will simply do it. I won’t be paralyzed by the idea that I need to have something really hot to tell people. I will simply write. Babble for a couple paragraphs and satisfy my sense of creativity which needs some exercise, anyways.

Isn’t that what a blog is for?!!!

Back on Track

Here I am again…

After what it seemed, even to me, like I was forever gone from this website turned out to be nothing but a simple false alarm. Here I am and ready to write. I guess you wont get rid of me that easily and no matter how amateur and silly my posts may sound, they are here to stay, peoples.

I am super rusted…

I am in my spring semester of my second year of college. I ended up surviving what could have been the worst semester of my college career, then again it may be too soon to state that. Then again, life uses those times to show us over and over that, no matter how incredibly tough things can be, we always make it through. At least to a more peaceful state where all that restlessness is no longer as vivid and consuming as it was. In the end there are nights like mine at this moment, where we are alone, glasses on my nose bone, potato chips on  my right and a bowl of dipping on my left. 1:00 am.  Content and with a huge impression and urge, to write again. To reflect on where we were, realize where we are and plan where we want to go.

I do not think anyone is ever bad enough to keep going. In fact, we all have to keep going. Move along! Realize that no matter what has happened, no matter where we are, there is more to come. And even if we want to pause and stand on hold, that is not possible for anyone. We can’t stop the world. We can’t make life as a whole stop for us. Instead we need to get on with it and move along.

Get back on track and finish the race…

Getting back

First day of classes. Everyone is getting up early, heading to class, organizing events for different clubs and all that jazz that real life is at least for college students… Las Cruces New Mexico starts hosting people not only from different states but also from different countries, slowly becoming home for many all over again.

When we were driving back from Utah and Boise, I had mixed feelings about the beginning of the semester and being back home. I was scared to go back to normal and the routine. For some reason though, today was proof that this beginning of the semester does not feel like the other ones. I feel older and more confident. I feel changed in a sense and instead of feeling like I long for the places I was at this summer, I feel like those places shaped me and the experience is still a part of me that grew me in a way.

Maybe that is what it feels like to grow up.

This semester will be great.

Expectation-Isolation

Have you had a feeling that everyone is unhappy with you? I am not saying everyone is against me but they are definitely not happy with me…

For the past four years I have been battling with people pleasing. I want to please everyone around me and I want people to be happy with me. I want to be liked and I want people to think that I am this person who is good and has it all together. I have lived like that for a big majority of my life. I just want others to be happy with me and think highly of me, however, lately this very thing is slowly suffocating me. I can’t please everyone around me and I feel like every time I try to make someone else happy there is a part of me that dies with it. What is even harder to balance is the feeling of guilt that I don’t understand if it’s misplaced or not. I do not understand if by not caring about pleasing people and doing what I really want to do, I am acting selfishly or if it is right for me to do that.

My mother is disappointed about my coming to Idaho and missing a training back home; the leader of the training and good friend of mine was very disappointed  I was choosing not to be there; and in a complete other note and subject a friend of mine is very disappointed about something I said that he wouldn’t talk to me at the moment.

I just feel like there are all these expectations about what I should do and how I am supposed to do it but I am not meeting any of them. It isn’t only about the stupid training I am missing but in life in general . There are all these expectations people have of me and trying to meet them is literally killing me and restraining me like a straitjacket.

I know the world says, screw everything and everyone and be yourself listen to your heart and turn around from people who say otherwise. That, however, is a scary thought, because how do I know that what I want to do is not something bad and the people around me are only trying to rescue me from myself? It is as if I were to say that what I want to do is jump of a bridge and in my blind attempt to follow my heart’s desire, I decide to ignore everyone around me, missing the point that those people were there not to keep me from my hearts desire just for the sake of my being unhappy, but they were there to keep me from my heart’s desire because they had the insight that such desire would only lead me to unhappiness and ultimately, dead.

How do I know I can trust my judgment?

There is also that part of me who thinks and wants to resolve to being isolated instead. Avoid everyone and everything getting busy with school, work and my things to do. A resolution of vanishing from everyone’s lives and that way, with time they can all forget about me. I can just be alone not having anyone to try pleasing or want to meet their expectations. A lonely road, but extremely appealing…

Keeping from hurting other and being hurt by others….

Not being vulnerable with anyone…

Not letting anyone in….

Boomerang Effect

So, after seeing Jake that night we went to the house were, NM people, me and my roommate would stay for the next two nights. That night was interesting I must say…

There was a moment.

The next day we went to two different stores, Scheels and Cabellas, we went swimming and we went downtown to the great City Creek Mall. We walked around, we goofed off, we went to Temple square and we went for dinner:                        PIE PIZZERIA!

I don’t know if you care to know about it all and every little detail of what we did. I think I should just say that I really enjoyed my time in Utah again and then left to Boise.

Seems like I was not only back to Utah, but after a year, I was also back in Idaho. There is something about this state and the smallness of it all that just makes me feel so comfortable and cozy. Not to mention the green trees and the small creeks with water. There are rivers and roads and valleys and flowers and something about the atmosphere makes everything better. People garden and grow their own vegetables; people bike and go on hikes; people raft and go swimming in the river and lakes nearby. Idaho just makes me think that people are closer to their environment and therefore more aware of the beauty and niceness of it all. People are just closer to life and simple living. That is why I like Idaho.

 

Boomerang Effect.

I am in Boise, Idaho. There is so much that has happen in a very short amount of time. I don’t even know how to start writing about it, or where to start.

After we left Utah we drove straight to the night with a quick stop at Walt-Mart in Farmington, New Mexico at our familiar road trip stop. This time, I am proud to say that I did not slept through the stop, but instead I decided to be adventurous just like everyone else and get out of the car, going exploring and ice-cream shopping like all my siblings have the custom to do. But unlike other times, the little girls and almost everyone decided to stay in the car except for Jaymison, Leahnora and myself. We went inside the store, browsed around, got woken up and then we made it to the long awaited freezers section. I must say that for three dollars we got the best sandwich ice-creams ever. They were absolutely delicious and well fitted for a 4:00 am snack. It was fun.

After that, we made it home, unloaded the van and slept away. We had our Sunday’s family feast, which I will really miss and then watched the long awaited To Kill a Mockingbird movie with my mom.

That Monday, after hours of yard work, I moved all my stuff to Las Cruces. I was moving out the following day and the melancholy of it was becoming more and more tangible. I was not going to be with the girls and the the guys every day anymore. I wasn’t going to be a passive member of a family anymore, I was assuming an active role and responsibility of a whole cargo. That cargo was myself and to be honest, I was terrified. I moved my stuff, went back home for one night and then the guys and Leahnora dropped me off the next day. I was moved out. That day with the help of Sam I cleaned what would be my room and did some necessary shopping. It took me about two days to set up my room and organize everything. I also started sleeping in the great hammock. ALthough the first night in it was horrible, cold and very odd, the second night was the complete opposite. I rested very much, I really enjoyed it and I slept very comfortably.

Anyhow, you must be wondering, how did I end up in Idaho? Well, let me get to that. That Monday I moved all my stuff, Anthem my new roommate asked me if I would drive up to Idaho with him because he needed someone to drive with him for him to attend a wedding up there. After doing some preparations for school and checking my classes for the upcoming semester I decided that a road trip up to Idaho would be very adventurous and a good way to start this new stage in life. So, I said yes. That Friday we woke up at 4:30 am and got on our way to Salt Lake City Utah. Utah, I missed you for about 4 days.

We got to Utah at 7 pm and I was able to make it to a great play where a good friend of mine played the character of Mr. Kemper. The play was called  Oh Dolly. It was about this lady Mrs. Dolly Levi, who is basically a busybody meddling in people’s business and trying to help others in a very intruding way. The story is set in the 1890’s in New York. I enjoyed the play thoroughly. I was very grateful for many reasons. I was in Utah again! I was enjoying a great play for free, and I was able to see my friend Jake. It was a good night.

To be continue…